That's just the way it is

Half an hour to go until home time. Actually 20 minutes. Just enough time for me to whip this post off.

A colleague just said to me, when I commented that our boss had left the office at 3 today presumably to go work from home the rest of the afternoon. She said "that's just the way it is unfortunately, you either accept it or leave - that is the standard line here". What she was referring to is that its not acceptable for us (a) in this department and (b) as contractors, to work from home or to have flexible working hours. Now, I am not saying that employers ALWAYS have to bend over backwards to make it easier for their employees but according to quite high up management people I have spoken to, the business tries to support employees - particularly women, particularly women with children to a) get back to work and b) once there maintain a manageable work/life balance. However, as I have found out here and in the past is that it doesn't matter what the company line is, the decision basically comes down to your boss. And if, like me, you have a boss who is female and did everything the hard way and thinks you should just suck it up (that's the impression I get anyway), then you aren't going to get any flexibility.

I am trying to think positive. Not dwell on it, but I can't help thinking about the unfairness of it all. Surely, as a boss, it is better that your employees feel like they are valued. Surely when the work CAN be done from home occasionally it should be encouraged. Especially when many other people in the business do it. It just makes me frustrated. I have never been very good with people telling me what to do. Especially when it doesn't make sense to me.

I will give you a for instance. My husband works from home full time. No-one thinks that just cos he's at home he is going to be sat in his boxers, watching TV, only occasionally checking his emails. How about a bit of trust. If you find that we are less productive when at home, then discuss this and take it further from there. Why is it one rule for one, another rule for another?

Right now, apart from the work that I'm doing for a lady who I've been assigned to (because I like her and she actually involves me in meetings and stuff), I feel unmotivated. I don't feel like bothering to rush into work to get in early. Every time I see my boss I think quite uncharitable thoughts. I won't say what they are but suffice to say I don't really like her (I have the feeling that its mutual!). And I leave on the dot of 5 every day even if I was late in. If she brings this up I'll try to pull up my socks but I feel like why should I make an effort for you. You couldn't give a crap about my feelings, my life.

Oh well, I have decided to tackle my weight and I'm also being signed up for a Prince 2 course this weekend so its onwards and upwards. I'll start looking for something new too.

Why I work full time

It is not:

1. So I don't have to spend time with my children
2. It is not because I want to scare my children for life
3. It is not because I don't want to spend any time at home or want my kids to spend any time at home

It is because

1. There were no part time jobs out there when I was made redundant
2. Part time wages are shit (even if you can find one)
3. I wanted to actually have a CAREER for a change rather than just a job which is why I moved out of PA work into something involving projects. 

I do not appreciate:

1. Being told that my house is too messy during the week (yes, its messy as we haven't got time/inclination/energy to tidy up)
2. People assuming that just because hubby is home that he is not working and can just clock off early
3. People criticising my life-choices and trying to make me feel guilty and like I am making my kids suffer!

Cheating on food & Staying late at work

I have cheated somewhat on my "healthy eating plan". I have bought a packet of peanut M&M's and a caramel wafer thingy to get me by the rest of the afternoon. The walk took the good part of 15 minutes (especially as I realised half way there that I'd forgotten to take my ID card - need it to get in and out of certain areas of the building). I feel exhausted for the journey - not because I'm unfit (although I am a little unfit) but I think its because I'm ill. I've got the start of a cold. My throat hurts and feels like its going to develop into a cough and as I was walking I felt myself coming up in a sweat. I'm on my own now as one colleague had a half day and the other had arranged with me to go early (ie she goes early and I stay till 5.30pm). Which is fine as I usually go at 5pm (I work through - or just sit at my desk surfing the internet as there is no work to do - my lunch in order to leave half an hour early to pick up the kids). However, its quite annoying as its not busy and I've already seen lots of people leaving early due to the impending weather (which is not due to start until tomorrow anyway!!!). I SO hope it snows tonight/tomorrow morning. A day working from home would be just the ticket. As there isn't anything to do, it would involve tidying and watching TV. Yay. I was thinking about (not considering as I know logically that I couldn't get away with it) but I was still thinking about the idea of going home now (or at 5pm as that's when I'd normally go) and no-one would notice and I could sign on via my phone, but I did tell my colleague that I would stay until 5.30pm and even though there is really no point as I'm just sitting here, I'm going to do that.I'm packing up 5 minutes before though, and getting my coat on etc. Honestly, if I had some work to do I'd show a much better work ethic, but it feels like they don't value us enough to even give us anything to do. Maybe they are just going to let our contracts run until the end of June and then just get rid of us. All the more reason to get my Prince 2 training.

I have decided that I am DEFINITELY going to go in that direction. I'm 21% way through my Prince 2 for Dummies book that I downloaded and I think I'm going to do a course in July. Plenty of time to get my head around the idea of it all. And if this quietness at work continues then I'll just keep using the time to read. Although it is hard to be motivated about anything when you are bored out of your mind.

Shit. Just lost a load of stuff that I wrote. Anyway, its 17:28. I'm going to post this. Here is a picture of me with my coat on ready to go. 

Rehoming Our Doggy Tia - or not

We had decided to rehome one of our dogs Tia because I'm out all day and while my husband works from home, he also does a lot of travelling and we had decided last night that maybe it would be for the best to rehome her. I went as far as contacting a few people who I thought might be able to help, and posting on a local mums facebook group. I had a few responses and someone emailed me today asking if she could come round and see the dog, Tia. She did come and took her for a walk as she arrived early and my husband was on a conference call. But this evening we are both having second thoughts. We think the problem is us and maybe we should just pull our socks up as dog owners. I'd been imagining the quiet and peace with just having one (old terrier type) dog. Less noise, less mess, less things chewed, less barking. Obviously I was thinking about her standard of life too. I'd just decided that we weren't capable / didn't have the time to train her, walk her, spend actual and emotional time on her.

I've had lovely cuddles with her tonight and hubby and I have talked. We're not sure but we are erring on the side of pulling out of the rehoming idea. We haven't had anyone yet say they definitely want her but have had 2 enquiries, including this one lady who visited.

If we keep her, we need to:

1. Sort out somewhere for her to stay when hubby goes away for 2 weeks (kennels during the week I think is the best option)
2. Buy her a crate (hubby has been looking into this and apparently we should be crate training her - I hadn't even known this existed)
3. Take her to training classes. Perhaps with my son - so he gets a little sense of the responsibililty that it takes to train your doggy to be well-behaved - that shouting at her won't work (sadly, he's learnt that from us)
4. Take her for long walks every sunday without fail (in addition to twice daily)
5. Buy her new bedding as her current bedding is just towels and blankets (she did eat her last cushion but she doesn't chew quite as much now)
6. Give her more cuddles and accept more love off her (she has tonnes to give)
7. Enjoy her

I feel sad and ashamed that I just jumped on the easy option which is to get rid of her. I am going to sleep on it but I think tomorrow I will contact everyone that I asked to help and tell them we've changed our minds.

Job satisfaction

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is job satisfaction. I moved into this role and company (as a long-term temp - a 6 month contract that hopefully will be renewed in June) in October.

I was hoping for a new challenge, a change of scenery. A fresh start.

I got a change of scenery and I suppose a fresh start (although I have noticed that old problems can follow you because you are still the same person and people still have the same prejudices), but the challenge has just not been there. Don't get me wrong there has still been a bit of a learning curve. I was being trained up in particular systems and spreadsheets.

I moved from a PA type role into a role as project management administrator. I was made redundant from my last role and the company I was at for 5 years and while I wasn't out of work for long (I got a decent pay off AND gardening leave so I had a fab summer with the kids - which I will always be grateful for and have lovely memories of) I was starting to panic as I was eating into my savings and I was really being ground down by the rejections slowly dripping in. I didn't have a problem getting interviews. It turns out I look quite good on paper. But either I wasn't right for the place or I said something I shouldn't have (alluded to self esteem issues) or they just preferred someone else over me. When I first started looking I was trying to aim for PM related stuff (project management) as I've always loved organising and co-ordinating and hubby thinks I'd make quite a good project manager. I do too actually. But as the rejections started coming in slowly but surely, I started to apply for everything and anything. I didn't want to be a PA anymore but at least I knew I could do it. But even those jobs I didn't get. I was really starting to lose hope and feel pretty desolate.

I remember the day that I got the call to say that I had this job. I think the kids were at childcare. It was a Tuesday. I was in the bath. I love baths. But I'd got to the point where I wasn't really enjoying anything. I was just having a bath for a lack of anything else to do and I could be alone. And I cried. I was wallowing in my self-pity when my phone rang. I picked up, expecting another agency offering me more commiserations cos I didn't get the job, when I was most surprised and shocked to be offered the job here. I told them the money that I wanted (the top of the range advertised - it was more than I had earnt before but the extra accounted for the travel costs I would have to pay). They said that was fine (they may have had to check and ring back). And I had a job. I didn't really know what to feel at that point. I was relieved. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh or scream or shout. I feel like that phone call saved me. Lying in that bath I'd been imagining all sorts of dark escapes - even though I'd never carry out any of them. It took me a few days to get used to the idea. I was to start the following Monday. I had the rest of the week to relax. To NOT spend a large part of the day ringing agencies and searching job sites. It was a wonderful feeling. Such relief.

However, since starting this job, it has not been what I imagined. I had imagined I would be busy. Once I got into the swing of things, I'd be too busy to think. Its not. I'm not busy at all. To give you an example, today, out of the 8 hours I will have been here, I've probably spent an hour, an hour and a half at the VERY most, working. The stuff that I do do is very basic. Glorified data entry. Being a PA was harder and I could do that with my eyes closed. I've gone beyond the point of boredom. I'm not sure exactly what is beyond boredom. Probably mindless apathy.

So I'm not really very happy. Its a long journey to arrive and then have to count the minutes until you can go home again, feeling exhausted from constantly trying to think of things to keep you occupied and incredibly dissatisfied. I don't feel valued, or like I do a good job (because there isn't enough of a job for me to be doing it well), or useful. I know I'm capable of and willing to give a lot more.

Management are aware that the department (consisting of 3 of us) are not busy - except one of them is as she has a specific project that she looks after which keeps her very much occupied. The other one and myself are twiddling our thumbs the rest of the day. Our manager says that she has a plan to get us involved in more, busier and also with a more interesting workload but nothing has happened yet.

I have thought about looking for something else but to get 9 months or so of this on my CV will look good (experience in a project management office). I am also going to study Prince2 (Project Management certification) and have been reading some documents on this in my spare time but today I've struggled to concentrate on it as have almost had tears in my eyes from sheer boredom (and tiredness - late night last night with Lala).

One day I want to be a project manager. I want to be able to work from home (most of the time if not all). I want to manage my own work, and not be waiting for someone to pass me something to do. I want to be at home more for the kids, to have flexible hours but still a good salary. Why shouldn't I get those things? I'm going to work for them and earn them.

Musings of a working mum

I am not a happy bunny today.

It took me 2 hours to get into work today (45 mins on a good day but 1 hour normally if I have to drop kids off first). I left the house at about 7.40 with the kids. Dropped my son at nursery (5 mins round the corner) then drove across town to drop my daughter at childminder number 2. Then headed off to get to work. I have TomTom on my iPhone and it was already indicating an 11 minute delay on my normal route so I clicked reduce delay button. However, this route seemed as bad if not worse than the normal route was indicated to be (of course I only found this out when it was too late). The route also tried to take me down a road that was closed (probably for flooding) and by the time I arrived at work, 2 hours later, I was ready to kill someone, or myself. OK slight exaggeration. No, not really.

The whole palarva has left me feeling quite angry. About what, I'm not even sure. Well, I guess I am. As I was driving (after dropping my son who has overnight developed a really nasty cough and my daughter who was being extra cute - both instigating the usual guilt about whether I'm really doing the right thing working full time or not) I was thinking about lots of things. I really don't want to be a stay at home mother. And doing a job 3 days a week that I hated didn't do me any good either. I like what I'm doing (mostly anyway) but I'm not sure how long I can cope with the long commutes. It just adds so much more pressure to you on top of all the usual working mother stresses. This is what I was thinking about, while fighting my way through traffic:

1. Why shouldn't I be allowed to work from home. We are in the 21st century. We have iPhones and skype and Wifi and Shared storage. All I need to do to use my work phone is plug my USB headphones into my laptop and I can make and receive calls - although I very rarely use them as most of the communications are done via inter-company online chat. We are trusted to sit at our desks pretty much unmanaged, but it is still generally frowned upon to work from home unless you have a good reason (a delivery or a sick child - even that at my last company my previous boss told me that if I had a sick child at home I couldn't work - which I guess is a fair comment some of the time but it is possible to field emails and deal with some queries and sometimes its quiet and you would be doing not much more than surfing the internet anyway!). Why should it not be possible for some employees (other than high-ish level managers) to work from home - even be BASED from home. Maybe my thinking & the technology currently available is just too far ahead of general corporate thinking.
2. I do want to spend time with my kids. I miss the chill time that I used to spend with them on a non-working day when I worked 3 days a week. I worry that I'm being selfish - wanting a life outside of kids - even at the weekends sometimes I wish the time away - that they could suddenly be of an age where they could just go watch TV in their rooms without constantly needing my attention. On the other hand I enjoy being out of the house. I just wish I didn't have to endure such stress to get there.
3. I also do want to progress and have a career. Either that or work for myself but to be honest, right now I'd rather work full time and be paid well, than work full time (trying to fit working hours around the kids) working for myself (which I would love to do one day) trying to make ends meet. I spent over 10 years working as a PA/Administrator for Senior Directors and I want to move on from that. I have great skills that I can bring into Project Management (currently an administrator in that capacity) and loving it. But if I want to do this somewhere else I probably need to stay here for at least a year before I can move on somewhere else (closer). Plus there isn't really much around now anyway. I was lucky to get THIS job.

My ideal job would be:

• Working for a tech company - tick
• Working in Project Management - tick
• Working from home - sometimes but got to be careful not to do too much (have done twice in last 6 weeks I've been doing this job)

Or working for myself. Not sure how. Thought about doing an events planning business. Thought about professional organiser. Done making bath bombs but decided was too much effort for not enough return & rules & regulations are very complex. Done handmade card making. Again. OK for pocket money and is something I enjoy but not exactly going to pay the mortgage.

Well, I'm going to post this and go get some lunch as its that time already. At least this morning went quickly (it did have a 40 minute head start on me).

Working guilt

I tell you what else I was thinking about.....

I was wondering, while lying in bed neglecting my kids (ie letting my husband look after them - not saying that he would say I was neglecting them but that's how your brain works sometimes as a mum - guilt-centric), will my kids grow up and not feel that I did enough with them.

Obviously I do play with them and I love spending time with them (sometimes - sorry, I have to be honest), but I'm working full time which means we get up at 6am - when one of them, usually the 4 year old boy, comes and wakes us up. We get him to go back to his room with either an iPad or iPhone so we can have another half hour. At 6.30-6.45am, my husband goes and makes them breakfast and they eat it in their room usually, unless they follow him downstairs. Sometimes he brings me a cup of tea too. He's nice like that. Then I drag myself out of bed and get in the shower and get ready. My husband wrestles the children into clothes and then gets teeth brushed and shoes on etc while I'm getting dressed and putting makeup on. Sometimes I'll drive them to their various places (nursery 1 or 2 / childminder 1 or 2) or sometimes my husband does it and then I can leave the house and go straight to work (I have to drive about 50 minutes to get to work - and if I have to drop either of the kids at the place that is the other side of town it will take me an hour as I'll need an extra 10 minutes to get through town traffic. Either way, the time I spend with them in the morning is 10 minutes while they jump up and down on the bed while hubby makes breakfast and the 10-15 minutes that I'm driving them wherever they are going unless hubby is doing it in which case I don't even spend that time with them.

In the evenings, I usually pick them up (at 6pm) as hubby doesn't finish work until 6pm (he does work from home so this is quite convenient) and then once home I chill out with them until bedtime when hubby usually puts them to bed. I'll help if they are being particularly difficult.

Weekends I usually have a lie in on Saturday morning until 10am.

Today my son was driving me crazy. I guess cos I haven't been feeling 100% well and he seemed to be extra loud and full of energy it just got to me but as soon as I lay down for a (much needed) nap, the cogs started turning and I started to feel incredibly guilty.

The thing is I'm actually really happy. I don't like the commute and the job is not busy enough for me right now but its the run up to Christmas and I am getting my name around trying to be helpful so people will come to me for help. But generally, at work, I'm happiest I've been in ages. I did have a short stint as stay at home mum when I was on gardening leave before my redundancy leave started and the grandparents wanted to have a break from childminding our kids (fair enough really - I feel like that too sometimes and their MY kids) as I was at home. So I was at home with them all day apart from a couple of mornings and one full day (Friday - my day of bliss) where I got on with housework and TV! But I was home with them more than usual. And they drove me up the wall. I wasn't nearly as organised as I wanted to be. I wanted to be one of these perfect mothers who arranged playdates and did things with her kids and got the crafty stuff out. But I just couldn't do it. I'm not that person. Maybe its the perfectionist in me coming out again. At least when I'm at work, I can truly focus on what I'm doing without distraction. It also has other benefits like being able to drink tea and coffee and eat your lunch without being climbed on.

Am I a bad mother because I don't want to spend every day with my children?