New Year Blues

I think I have the new year blues.

The urgency and the determination to become better, more productive, more organised, fitter.... and about 3000 other things that I feel I should be, seem to be slipping away faster than I can say "Latte please".

I am still trying to eat healthily. Most of the time succeeding apart from a few slip ups. But I am finding I'm snacking just as much just on "healthy" things. But I don't feel like I'm losing any weight. If anything I feel I may even have put some on.

Our plan to not drink during the whole of January has now dissolved. While I'm not drinking excessively, or even that regularly.... (I had one drink during the week and a couple on Friday night and then half a bottle out on our night out on Saturday night. Oh and a glass of wine at the pub on sunday... maybe I do need to cut down again). My resolve to quite lattes has now become "not drinking them everyday". Which is good as its saving me money but I still get to have a treat occassionally. I have also given up sweeteners in my coffee which was my husbands request as he says they are horrendously bad for you and also make you fat (some science stuff about making your body think you are having sugar even though you aren't.... I shut my brain down a few words into the explanation).

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps about things. About this whole slog that is working full time. About the house being a total tip and the realisation that if we do want a nice house with us both working full time it is going to involve a cleaner at least twice a week (4 hours or so) which is going to cost a bomb.

I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure my plan to become a project manager so that I can be freelance or have flexible hours and maybe work from home so I can be around for the kids more by the time Lala goes to school... I'm not sure how its all going to come about. My confidence feels a little shattered if I'm honest. My confidence about most things - about my blog (I seem to have lost my mojo a little where that is concerned), about my life choices and my choice to work full time (is it worth it?), about myself and my looks and my worthiness as a person.

I'm aching for a slower paced life. I'm not sure its possible to have a slow-paced life with small kids, but its got to be easier than this!!! I'm tired. Permanently tired.

On a low

I was thinking about this while I was lying in bed too tired to move.

Everything has to be perfect or I just won't bother. And nothing will ever be perfect so why even start anything.

The thing is when I'm good I'm really good. I can be so productive and busy and organised that you won't even see me moving. I had a bit of one of these periods a couple of weeks ago. I was not busy at work and that didn't stop me from being super-productive. I created spreadsheets, tweeked spreadsheets, organised lunches, planned things, sorted out calendars, re-organised my Evernote account. OK, this was all done on a computer at work (as I had not very much work to do) but if I'd been at home I'd probably have been productive around the house.

And then my period hit me (sorry any boys or squeemish people reading this) and within a day or two of that starting, I got a mild tummy bug - Thursday night/Friday. And today (Saturday) I'm still feeling exhausted but I feel like I should be doing so many things.

We have put an offer in on a new house but our own house isn't even on the market yet so we have to get the house decluttered and tidy so they can come and do photos and I'm not even sure how we are meant to start. Its such a mess. The thought of getting it all done just makes me want to cry. I sometimes think that if we could only have the kids not around for a weekend we could get it done (not much good really as it would have to be this weekend of which there is only sunday night left now) but even so I know really that I use the kids as an excuse for my inaction. I am simply in a low-energy period, where I feel like I cannot achieve anything and can't even be bothered to try.

Well, I'm off now to go do a little bit of tidying up in the bedroom as hubby is cooking dinner and may well kill me if I haven't achieved anything by the time he has it ready.