Prose for thought #Prose4T - Too Little Sunshine, So Much Rain

Too Little Sunshine, So Much Rain

9th January 2001

Sitting on my own

Thoughts rolling through my mind

Looking for a peace

That I never seem to find

I wish I was a wave

That was crashing on the beach

I wish I was the light 

That is just beyond my reach

I wish I could give but never take

I wish I could sleep and never wake

I close my eyes but I can still see

I can't shut off that part of me

I go to bed and try to sleep

Why does this knife cut so deep

There's an empty space inside my soul

a part of me that's never been whole

I feel my life is wasting away

And its such a struggle to get through the day

There's a part of me that wants to grow

I've tried so hard not to let it show

But now I find I can't contain

Too Little Sunshine, so much rain. 

Old poetry - part 1

I have been tidying my office a bit in the last few days and this evening, my eyes were drawn to my book of poetry that I wrote when i was in my early 20's (nearly 15 years ago - god, I feel old now). I thought it might be interesting to publish them here as an insight into the feelings of someone with mental health issues.

I want to stress that, while I do still struggle quite a lot sometimes, I don't feel nearly as black as this poem paints things. I think I was only just coming to terms with what I had (depression) and 15 years experience has taught me a few things on how to deal with the low feelings. Something else that really helps me is my 2 beautiful cute funny children. Knowing that I have them in my life, to protect, cuddle, play with (not withstanding all the guilt that i feel from certain lifestyle choices), it makes the darkness, when it comes, a little easier to bear/bare/bair.... no idea which word is the correct spelling - apart from the last one which is not a word!

Anyway, here is my poem from my little black book of poetry, pictured below:

8th January 2001

I closed my eyes and tried to find 

the space where my life should be

23 years of living 

leave me completely empty

When did the void appear?

How did I fall this low?

Why does my whole body 

feel so utterly hollow.

I want to be alone, 

but I need someone right now. 

I want to reach out 

but I don't know who or how. 

I feel so numb 

I might as well be dead. 

I'm alone in this world, 

this place that I live in.

I wish the clouds in my head

Would leave me to my own peace

I've no reason at all so why do I feel such grief.

My whole life I've felt it. Its always been there. 

I was always taught that life was fair. 

But it isn't. Its an empty cruel place.

And I look at myself. And my face

in the mirror tells me nothing at all. 

All my life Ive felt this empty and small

Only now does it start to make sense. 

The pills are starting to work. 

I feel less desperate, less distraught. 

But the emptiness is still right there in its place.

Maybe this is me. How I'm meant to be. 

No matter where I am, who I'm with,

I'll never be free

Sometimes even breathing is hard. 

The emptiness inside me feels like a rock

Weighing me down. Pulling me down. 

I curl up in the protection of my home.

Why do I feel like my skin is not my own. 

Smiling feels so unnatural, when will it pass?

Perhaps when I get to the bottom of the glass.

 My body's warm but my heart is so cold. 

How can 23 years make me feel so old. 

I want to write it all down, get it out of my head

But I don't think I can so I'll fill my glass instead. 

Rather depressing reading, isn't it?! Sorry about that. Here is a funny picture of Lala to cheer you up!

this is her smiling :)

New Year Blues

I think I have the new year blues.

The urgency and the determination to become better, more productive, more organised, fitter.... and about 3000 other things that I feel I should be, seem to be slipping away faster than I can say "Latte please".

I am still trying to eat healthily. Most of the time succeeding apart from a few slip ups. But I am finding I'm snacking just as much just on "healthy" things. But I don't feel like I'm losing any weight. If anything I feel I may even have put some on.

Our plan to not drink during the whole of January has now dissolved. While I'm not drinking excessively, or even that regularly.... (I had one drink during the week and a couple on Friday night and then half a bottle out on our night out on Saturday night. Oh and a glass of wine at the pub on sunday... maybe I do need to cut down again). My resolve to quite lattes has now become "not drinking them everyday". Which is good as its saving me money but I still get to have a treat occassionally. I have also given up sweeteners in my coffee which was my husbands request as he says they are horrendously bad for you and also make you fat (some science stuff about making your body think you are having sugar even though you aren't.... I shut my brain down a few words into the explanation).

I'm feeling a little down in the dumps about things. About this whole slog that is working full time. About the house being a total tip and the realisation that if we do want a nice house with us both working full time it is going to involve a cleaner at least twice a week (4 hours or so) which is going to cost a bomb.

I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm not sure my plan to become a project manager so that I can be freelance or have flexible hours and maybe work from home so I can be around for the kids more by the time Lala goes to school... I'm not sure how its all going to come about. My confidence feels a little shattered if I'm honest. My confidence about most things - about my blog (I seem to have lost my mojo a little where that is concerned), about my life choices and my choice to work full time (is it worth it?), about myself and my looks and my worthiness as a person.

I'm aching for a slower paced life. I'm not sure its possible to have a slow-paced life with small kids, but its got to be easier than this!!! I'm tired. Permanently tired.

This blog post contains some gross stuff (so don't read if you're squeemish or don't like ladies parts or bowel movements mentioned)

We've just put the kids to bed. I'm in my jimjams, my slippers and my fluffy pink dressing gown. I ache. I have diarrhea from the change in diet (either that or just a mild stomach bug that's gone on for a week). I left work early to go to the doctors and on the way driving I got stomach cramps and bad back ache simultaneously and felt like I needed to go for a shit (excuse the language). I honestly wasn't sure that I wasn't going to make it to the doctors in time to use their loo. Thankfully I did and it wasn't pretty. But at least it wasn't in my trousers. That would have been embarrassing and awful. The reason I went to see the doctor is that I have a small cyst on my nipple which I'd had looked at before and was told it was just a cyst and was fine but it had got bigger. About the size of a silver ball of the kind you use to decorate cakes - maybe a little smaller, but it had been bothering me and I wanted rid of it. So the doctor got a needle/very small scalpel and burst it and got the puss or whatever its called out. It hurt quite a lot I have to say but it didn't last very long. She then gave me some tissue to put in my bra and told me to have a hot bath to get any last remaining puss out (not like I need telling twice to have a hot bath. lovely). Its a little sore and, probably due to the diarrhea I feel rather achy and very tired.

I also asked the doctor about my mood changes a few days before my period and she said that I could change my pill or maybe, for now, try taking my pill packs back to back. i.e: not have a break in between packs. This could help to keep my moods constant if indeed my drop in mood is related to my hormone levels. She's also given me some pills to take in the event of a panic attack like this one.

Post Christmas Blues

I'm feeling a little lost.

Hubby is worried about new house and the feasibility of it - bad internet, no mains gas or sewerage....

I think I am suffering from post christmas blues (as opposed to the pre-christmas stress that I also suffered from - as I do every year).

I just feel like the house is such a tip. I feel like I need to completely reorganise myself. I need a new start, a new me. I need to get fit, detox, eat healthily, teach the kids to tidy up after myself.

I've been looking on some organising blogs that I used to follow when I was doing my own organising blogs and I love some of the ideas that I see but I feel like I just lack the motivation to do anything with them. I feel so sluggish and slow. Its so depressing and frustrating because I really am at that point where if my life gets anymore stressful, messy or chaotic I may just explode.

The other day, can't remember which day it was, Ben took both kids out and I decided that instead of sitting on the sofa watching TV enjoying the time to myself, I would whizz round, making the most of the lack of distracting small children, and tidy up the sitting room - the main area of concern in my house. When hubby came back, shortly followed by a friend of ours, they both mentioned how great it looked. Sadly about an hour later the kids had undone most of my hard work. They couldn't exactly unsweep and unmop it (so at least it stayed clean-ish) - although I reckon they'd probably give it a go, but they certainly got everything out again and threw all their toys everywhere. I just wanted to sink my head into my hands and cry. I yearn to live a tidy organised existance but I'm just not the type of person who is able/willing to spend every single minute of every single day picking up, wiping, mopping, tidying..... I lose the will to live. Secretly, I want someone to do it all while I'm sleeping, but as that's unlikely to happen..... Not sure what to do.

Day out and housework-related hissy fit

Wasn't going to blog tonight. But I can't sleep so I may as well tell you what I've been up to this evening. I have myself a brandy (was going to have tea but thought brandy might actually aid my terrible indigestion a bit more - well, and it tastes yummy) and will tell you about my evening. Are you sitting comfortably? Actually its not really that interesting so don't get your hopes up.

And tonight I'm going to work backwards. Just to confuse you. Well, just before bed I had a bit of a mega-strop at the husband. Well, it wasn't EXACTLY AIMED at him but he was the only one in the house/room (that was awake) so I guess it was probably fair for him to assume that he was the target. I'd come to bed. Hubby came up about an hour previously and said he was going to tidy the bedroom before going to bed. He hadn't and, now I often say I'm going to do things and then don't so not sure why I took this so personally, it suddenly hit me what an untidy tip our house is. Actually, that's not when it hit me. It hit me when I tried to dig through my knicker drawer to find some cotton normal (ie non-frilly non-lacy) comfy knickers - I sleep in knickers. Always have. Can't go nude in bed. Not sure why. Probably some deep seated issues I have related to my lack of being comfortable with my own body! Anyway, none to be found. Only lacy ones that I'd recently bought and regretted buying as they seemed to not actually have a gusset. Just lace. All lace. Really handy. Not very comfy either. Is all very well feeling sexy but why can't we be sexy AND comfy at the same time? Eh? Tell me. Anyway, after getting no joy out of knicker drawer I then searched the laundry room (by this I mean the floor of the spare bedroom where all our clean stuff gets dumped after its been dried). No knickers of any sort there. I went down to the washing machine as I knew there was a wash in there. Couldn't get the door open. Shouted at husband and world in general. Slammed a few doors (hoping desperately I wouldn't wake the kids - but I just HAD to do a bit of door-slamming - you know that feeling???). Hubby tried to open washing machine door and started doing some cursory putting away of stuff although 10pm really isn't the time or the place. I was frustrated as I had planned to get loads done today. This is how earlier in the day went:

I got up with kids at about 8am. Lala had slept in our bed. She likes to spread out a lot so hubby (who didn't go to bed until around 5am anyway as he was watching movies) slept in the spare bedroom. I made them breakfast and tried to get away with a few more minutes in bed while they ate their toast and watched Charlie & Lola in their room. That didn't last long though so I got up in the end and we all went downstairs. I started tidying the kitchen which had been messified by hubby the previous day (I hate it when I clean things and they get messy again) while he was making bread. It was scrummy bread though so I can't really complain. Took me more or less all morning to sort out the kitchen. I made a start on the sitting room but the kids always seem to mess it up quicker than I can tidy and I hate that. I cannot get any satisfaction from doing a job that is unending and you get nothing out of. Call me selfish.

When hubs got up eventually. I say eventually.... It was only 10am that he got up. I got more of a lie in than that yesterday. So I shouldn't really grumble. I suppose I just resent him for being brave enough (or stupid enough) to stay up that late enjoying himself. I know I would feel utterly awful so I would never do that myself unless I knew that I had the entire day to myself with no kids & the freedom to do nothing but eat and watch grownup TV all day the following day. He got up all bouncy and full of the joys of.... er christmas I guess. And said "Lets go out and do something christmassy". He was so insistent I didn't really get a choice. I kind of had planned to do nothing (ie not go out anywhere) and have a day of doing things (to get the house ready for xmas) but he was so insistent that we should go and have "family fun" so I agreed as long as we could get Life Juice (Starbucks) on the way. Mummy's a bit grumpy in the morning. And in the afternoon. And in the evening. And sometimes at night too! I have to say I didn't get any LESS grumpy when I pulled my scab off my hand when trying to attach the car seat into my car. Good start.

So off we went. After Starbucks, we went to Winchester as there was a Christmas market type thing thing there. It was nice. Bit stressful if I'm honest. Lala is not very well and I'm not sure if its just that she burst a blood vessel or that she'd fallen over and banged her nose but her rather snotty nose started dribbling blood at one point and kept slowly dribbling more bloody snot. So I was worried that she'd somehow managed to break her nose. Also she got very grumpy about holding my hand and was insistent on walking by herself so I either had to push people out of my way to stay with her or have her screaming cos she didn't want to hold my hand or I had to carry her. They did enjoy seeing the little nativity scene with a real live Mary and Joseph & a live cow, sheep, goat & donkey. They spent ages there. I had to carry her away in the end as both her and Josh were climbing up on the fence thingy and Mary had to tell us to get them to climb down a couple of times. After that and a bit of shop meandering.... oh yes and we got Lala a nice wooden necklace and Joshua a wooden sword although I think we should have done it the other way round as Joshua quite liked the necklace and Lala definitely preferred the sword. We were going to find a nice pub and have a nice lunch but the 2 places we tried (pizza restaurant and the Slug & Lettuce) were both fully booked so we ended up taking the kids to McDonalds. Still, they were happy about it. And hubs and I had some chips. And then a hot dog each on the way back to the car park.

On the way back I suggested that maybe we drive to the place where this house is that we're hoping to buy. And maybe stop at the pub if the kids go to sleep. Which they did. The drive there was GORGEOUS. All country lanes and hills. I love the country side. It makes me feel peaceful. We got to the pub. Had a quick look at the outside of the house then went to the pub next door. The kids were asleep in the car. We parked right where we could see them. As we walked in, hubby said, isn't this the pub you played in with your old band (the one I was in when I first met him). I said it might be. and the more I thought about it the more I realised that it was the place. We met 18 years ago. 1994. I ignored him mostly. Cos I had my eyes on someone else at the time who wasn't paying me back the attention so I kind of blew hubby off.

Isn't that amazing though. The house that we love and really hope we are going to get (if they ever come back to us with an answer to our 2nd offer) is right next door to the place where we first met. I'd say that was fate.

We had a drink. Hubs had a coke as was feeling a bit rough. I had a red wine and then had another red wine as hubs agreed to drive. Joshua woke up. Came and sat on a bar stool and chatted with us. We bought raffle tickets for their meat raffle. Chatted to the landlady and told her our story. And chatted to some of the locals. Then Lala woke up and she was not too happy so we had to leave fairly sharpish. Got that stab of guilt for not having her tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle (not that she would have stayed there!).

Came home. I went and had a bath as had found it a pretty shattering day & hubs fed the kids dinner. I fell asleep on bed for a bit after bath. Hubs came to get me and asked if he could get in my bath and have a nap so I went to chill with the kids for a bit. Got no housework done.

By the time hubs came back down was bedtime for kids which he does generally and I was quite tired so left him to it and tucked self up in duvet which he had brought down to the sitting room earlier.

This is why we got nothing done. Was a good day really but I had envisaged me being able to get tonnes done because hubby could entertain the kids and keep them downstairs so I could, at my own pace, start dealing with the mess room by room. Or he could even take them out for an hour or two (OK if he had I'd probably just have sat down with some TV and a cuppa)....

I'm too much of a perfectionist and I like to see the result of what I'm doing and I like to be doing it when I'm at my best. ie: not when I've just woken up, not when I'm just about to go to bed and I don't like to be doing it while I have toddlers shouting at me to help them with puzzles and MUMMY WANT TO DO PAINTING! and that kind of thing. I know, its unrealistic. I should just stop wishing I could have peace and quiet to do housework and just settle with doing a little bit as and when I can. But it just doesn't come naturally to me!!!

Anyway, so that was our day. Day out, fun, stress, food, drive, pub, home, TV, bed, row, bed, brandy, blog. In a nutshell.

Should go to bed now as its nearly midnight now. So much for my early night.

Some pics of the day:

Babychinos on the way

Candy floss!

Walking together - yes, I know I look awful and fat. Personal Trainer in Jan

The sword

Chilling in sofa/bed later with toast

Highs and lows

Honestly, I am so annoyed and frustrated tonight.

I feel so low. I feel like my "status" at work has been shattered - not that I had any status as such but I did have a clean slate and then I went and had an "episode and ruinned it. I was so tired and down this evening that I got hubby to pick up the kids because I couldn't face anymore driving. Yes, I am down and finding my emotions hard to deal with but I don't think I'm an exceptional case. I just need a bit of fucking support.

This evening, once the kids got home, after cuddles with them both I went and found my pandora bracelet which is my Christmas present this year from hubby. I felt like I need a little something to focus on. A little pretty thing to look at and think, in true Golem style, "my precious". He noticed me wearing it and said that he thinks I'm getting more and more like my dad - who is an alcoholic. He's not talking about my drinking (I don't think so anyway - I hope not as I don't think its that bad). He's talking about my mood swings. I can go from chipper and happy one part of the day (like this morning - I had found out I was paid £400 more than expected - probably due to being taxed at the emergency rate up until this month) to thoroughly depresses (this afternoon - offer on house turned down and hubby generally putting a downer on the whole house-buying thing by trying to remind me of all the downsides of buying this house).

Why am I like this? I'm not really sure. Things make me happy. The idea of a fresh start. Moving to a new house. I really like this one that we have made an offer on. I can see us living there. I fantasize about my new Pandora bracelet and all the beads I'm going to put on it (I know they are expensive so after I know what I will get for xmas I will go on ebay - don't really mind if they are fakes if they are cheap but still look nice). I often think about buying a new laptop - has to be an apple one. I haven't ever had my own laptop and the work one is so heavy and rubbish and I'm doing so much blogging now I really want to have my own laptop. But I do rather obsess about these things. Its like material things make me happy.

Is that really so abnormal? Am I really that strange? I thought tonnes of women around the world made themselves better by fantasizing over and buying shoes and things like that.

But then again I am a bit worried about me. I'm so up and down its silly. I don't know what to do. I mean, shopping won't really make me feel better, will it? I'm crying as I'm writing this last bit as I am realising that I have to do something. I guess I need to go back to my doctor or something.

My fight with my self esteem - a poem

Dear self,

What is all this commotion
Going on in your head
Why the constant wringing
And questioning instead

Of sitting back, enjoying
The life you're lucky to have
The letting go of pain and stress
Please don't feel so sad

But self I don't know how to
Lord knows I really try
I see the faces of my children
And I laugh instead of cry

I have these fleeting moments
But then darkness creeps back in
Id locked the doors & shut the blinds
Id never invite it in

Self, you just need to be strong
Like the moon the sun and star
Stop beating you up & calling you names
You're perfect as you are

All mixed up

I don't know where to start tonight. But I feel like if I don't, I'll just bottle it up inside.

I am feeling so many mixed emotions. I hate work. I hate the long commute and having to rush around every morning getting the kids ready to go wherever they are going (this changes week on week and depends on which grandparent is on holiday and which nursery is having half term), I hate feeling like I'm the office lacky (getting a lot of the rubbish boring jobs because I'm a) new and b) have much less work than the others), I hate feeling like I am capable of so much more, I hate feeling bored, I hate feeling like I'm not good enough, I hate the clothes that I wear when I'm in a hurry because I don't feel like anyhting "nice" will fit me. I hate leaving at 5pm when I'm really supposed to work until 5.30pm but I have to leave at 5pm cos of my kids (I have agreed to take half hour lunchbreak so this hopefully is not an issue). I hate being away from my kids especially when they are poorly. I hate having to pass them from pillar to post (or nursery to childminder to grandparent). I hate feeling like the only one in the office that has mental health issues. I hated (today) to be made to feel like having a panic attack is not acceptable (actually what wasn't acceptable was running out of the office with no notice, and I suppose that is fair enough, but then if I had broken a bone and had to go to the hospital or had a bad migraine.... but I guess that's different). I hate feeling like a pariah. But is it just ME that makes me feel like that.

I feel like there is a better life out there for me but I just don't know what it is. I feel like if only I could figure out what I could do, to be my own boss. To run my own business. To decide my own working hours.

But now I have the new car. I have a pretty high salary and a "good job" if I walk away from that what if it all fails. I can't walk away anyway because I have bills to pay (including a brand new car to pay for). If I started my own business I'd have to do it on the side. I don't even know where to start with that. Maybe I'm not capable. Maybe it would all be too much.

Maybe I should just accept things the way they are. Accept that my life will be hectic. That I will spend 2 hours driving a day. Arrive into work in a rush. Leave work in a rush. I was enjoying it, wasn't I? What changed. I got a stupid panic attack (and I was bored and last friday left a few things undone in the inbox because I was bored and thought they could wait until Monday). I ran out of the office and when I came back (dressed smart and with makeup on so I felt the part), I was sat down by boss and told that what happened yesterday wasn't acceptable. She said she understands that maybe I have health (mental health) issues. I was completely honest about panic attack and depression history. And she said do I really want to be doing this. The long commute, the office. Was basically told that can't go around getting all upset in an office like this. Told her it was nothing to do with work but apparently that doesn't matter. Crying in the office is a no-no. Left her office in tears (feel like failure again for showing "weakness"). Ran into J (colleague) in bathroom. Explained what happened. Once stopped hyperventilating. Went out for "fresh air" blagged a ciggie off a guy out there. Brief chat about things (without going into too much detail).

Feel like everything has gone from pretty good to really fucking awful in the blink of an eye. I quite enjoy my job. I wish I was busier. Was so depressed on Monday. Felt like I am meant for higher purpose (not higher as in holy or anything). Just like.... I so desperately want to work for myself. Don't like being told I have to be in a particular place even though I can do the work just as well from home. Would like at least to be able to work from home guilt free. That is now apparently being taken away from me. Boss told me that from now on I'm to work from office all the time (apart from over xmas thankfully). And that I'm on a months probation (that's not exactly how she put it - she said on a performance review or something). But apparently, that has to come from my agency as technically I'm employed by them, not her. When I spoke to lady in agency, she was very sympathetic. Seemed to understand my issues and seemed to be understanding of the fact that I needed encouragement and support, not just a damn good telling off. What is it with women bosses, eh? Every one I've had has felt the need to assert their dominance. Like some kind of pissing contest.

Guess I just have to get on with it. Was going to book some time off in January but I'm not even sure I should do that yet as it was mentioned (in meeting with boss) that I haven't been in a full week since I started - there were a few instances. I was ill, my kids were ill, I took a days leave and I worked from home a couple of days. Its not like its busy. Not sure I exactly get the problem. I guess that's just me. Mrs Unreliable. Colleague said maybe wait until end of January when you've "given her a full month" that I should request some time off. But what is wrong with taking time off if I've got it allocated. Surely better book the time off than to fall over cos I'm just too fucking stressed to cope anymore. I dunno.

Going to try to find the reason I went back full time and the things I enjoy about working:

• Like having money
• Like new car (OK, love)
• Like getting away from house and (if honest) kids (a bit)
• Like feeling like I serve a purpose (although workload been that shit have felt a bit like that purpose was to sit surfing the net all day)
• Like being able to walk down the hall to get a starbucks
• Like being able to sit at my desk and concentrate at doing a task (no cBeebies in the background, no barking dog, no kids bickering or constantly pulling me away)
• Like wearing nice clothes (need to work on that. my wardrobe is shit & need to lose some weight)

That's all I can come up with right. Still not really feeling the love. Just feeling low. Unmotivated. Tired. Guilty. Sad. 

Today

Very quick one as I'm very tired and my eyes are all puffy from crying.

The weekend's successful lunch made me think a lot about what I wanted to do and I guess no matter how fancy the office I am working in or the fact that because of all the driving I do I get to buy myself a new car - none of it really takes away from the fact that, deep down, its not what I want to do.

The problem is I don't really KNOW what I want to do. For now this will have to do.

But I got myself all worked up today. It probably didn't help that we probably won't be able to buy our house that we had our hearts set on. I didn't think I was that bothered but then after about lunch I just felt so low and then when I started crying I couldn't stop. And that made me paranoid that people would look at me and see me upset and then I got more upset over the thought of that.

I left early to work from home but then had so many issues with the connectivity and the fact that my laptop is a PIECE OF SHIT that I didn't get much work done even though I found that being at home made me calmer. No-one to judge me (although to be fair I'm probably the worst cuprit at that).

I requested that I take tomorrow off as holiday. I got an email back from my new boss saying OK but in future that kind of notice is not acceptable. I went to have a bath. I felt a bit better after that, and I knew that I would worry all day if I was at home so I emailed my boss and copied my two colleagues to say that I would be in afterall. Hubs is going to deal with the kids. I'm going to just get myself sorted and leave early. I need to get some sense of calm.

I am so grateful to @mummylovesdressup on Twitter (her blog is here) for all her chat tonight about clothes.

One of my issues is that I am lazy in the mornings. I feel tired most mornings. I'm a terrible morning person so a lot of the time I just throw something on. And right now as I can't seem to stop comfort eating those clothes are not particularly attractive as comfort takes priority over style (this is not really an issue in the office as the dress code in my area in particular is quite casual) but its affecting me. I feel a mess. I feel unattractive and fat. I need a boost. I need to buy some new clothes that make me feel good.

Gonna stop now as am really shattered and my eyes hurt. Good night all. xxx

Feeling on edge

I'm feeling a little on edge.

Its 4.40pm and I am leaving at 5pm and I can't be bothered to start anything new. I had a chat with my mum earlier and it turns out my sister is going to be on her own this Christmas so I have invited her over to ours if she wants (she is going to check if hubby is working all day or just the morning). Anyway, at the end of the phonecall I asked her how my dad was doing (my dad is an alcoholic and has been drinking again recently - I did know this as I could tell he had been drinking the last time I saw him - you get to know the signs even if they do not appear drunk to a stranger). She told me that he's been drinking for 5 days now. So now I'm left with an unsettled feeling. I am used to finding out that he's been drinking as its been on and off for years. He has a streak of a few months where he's sober and goes to meetings and then falls off the wagon for a few days. I worry more about my mum and how she is feeling. I feel terrible for having a row with her via text on Saturday night as I realise now that she must have been feeling very lonely and hurt and was probably having a horrible time with my dad. So glad I rang her first thing Sunday to make up. I also worry about my dad's health. It can't go on indefinitely. Doing that to your body.

The other thing I'm on edge about is hearing whether we have an offer on our house or not. We had people come for a second viewing on Friday and they did seem VERY interested. They were there for over an hour and asking all sorts of questions. Really seemed like we might be in luck. But have heard nothing all day. If it was us, we'd make an offer right there and then. On the doorstep basically. But guess not everyone is like us! Mores the pity!!!

On a low

I was thinking about this while I was lying in bed too tired to move.

Everything has to be perfect or I just won't bother. And nothing will ever be perfect so why even start anything.

The thing is when I'm good I'm really good. I can be so productive and busy and organised that you won't even see me moving. I had a bit of one of these periods a couple of weeks ago. I was not busy at work and that didn't stop me from being super-productive. I created spreadsheets, tweeked spreadsheets, organised lunches, planned things, sorted out calendars, re-organised my Evernote account. OK, this was all done on a computer at work (as I had not very much work to do) but if I'd been at home I'd probably have been productive around the house.

And then my period hit me (sorry any boys or squeemish people reading this) and within a day or two of that starting, I got a mild tummy bug - Thursday night/Friday. And today (Saturday) I'm still feeling exhausted but I feel like I should be doing so many things.

We have put an offer in on a new house but our own house isn't even on the market yet so we have to get the house decluttered and tidy so they can come and do photos and I'm not even sure how we are meant to start. Its such a mess. The thought of getting it all done just makes me want to cry. I sometimes think that if we could only have the kids not around for a weekend we could get it done (not much good really as it would have to be this weekend of which there is only sunday night left now) but even so I know really that I use the kids as an excuse for my inaction. I am simply in a low-energy period, where I feel like I cannot achieve anything and can't even be bothered to try.

Well, I'm off now to go do a little bit of tidying up in the bedroom as hubby is cooking dinner and may well kill me if I haven't achieved anything by the time he has it ready.

Why I think I could be manic-depressive

OK. Take recently. I started new job. BEen pretty manic since I started. Not really had a choice. However, even after the busy-ness started to die off (is generally a quiet period) I kept myself busy organising my personal files, organising my evernote system (complete re-organisation from scratch - of about 20,000 notes including notebooks and tags), completely reorganised my childcare spreadsheet and did quite a lot of work on my finances spreadsheet. Organised a xmas lunch with friends. Yes, have a spreadsheet to go with that too. I’ve just kept myself incredibly busy. 

 

Last night it kind of all came to a head with the person out in Turkey who manages our holiday home (yes, I know lucky us to have a holiday home) quitting on us due to a big cock up concerning getting money out to her in time (completely our - well, my husbands, fault) and culminated with me saying that I would now deal with all the issues related to that (if she would not quit) as my husband clearly didn’t have the time. I mentioned that I really needed a laptop as work one is horrible and heavy & then I pretty much went online and ordered it. On finance. Sneakily in the kitchen while hubby was watching TV. 

Now I’ve been found out and have cancelled the order I feel like all my energy is gone (not just because I’m sad cos I’m now not getting a new toy - its more than that). I have very little work to do but I now have no inclination to either find anything to do, or to do personal things. I can’t even be bothered to walk to the cafeteria to get a coffee. I’m only making the energy to write this because I feel like I need feedback and answers. 

Maybe its a bit of a jump to think that I could be “manic-depressive” or Bi-Polar, but there are varying levels and I do seem to go through these stages. Or maybe I’m just a hyperchondriac that should get a grip!