Cheating on food & Staying late at work

I have cheated somewhat on my "healthy eating plan". I have bought a packet of peanut M&M's and a caramel wafer thingy to get me by the rest of the afternoon. The walk took the good part of 15 minutes (especially as I realised half way there that I'd forgotten to take my ID card - need it to get in and out of certain areas of the building). I feel exhausted for the journey - not because I'm unfit (although I am a little unfit) but I think its because I'm ill. I've got the start of a cold. My throat hurts and feels like its going to develop into a cough and as I was walking I felt myself coming up in a sweat. I'm on my own now as one colleague had a half day and the other had arranged with me to go early (ie she goes early and I stay till 5.30pm). Which is fine as I usually go at 5pm (I work through - or just sit at my desk surfing the internet as there is no work to do - my lunch in order to leave half an hour early to pick up the kids). However, its quite annoying as its not busy and I've already seen lots of people leaving early due to the impending weather (which is not due to start until tomorrow anyway!!!). I SO hope it snows tonight/tomorrow morning. A day working from home would be just the ticket. As there isn't anything to do, it would involve tidying and watching TV. Yay. I was thinking about (not considering as I know logically that I couldn't get away with it) but I was still thinking about the idea of going home now (or at 5pm as that's when I'd normally go) and no-one would notice and I could sign on via my phone, but I did tell my colleague that I would stay until 5.30pm and even though there is really no point as I'm just sitting here, I'm going to do that.I'm packing up 5 minutes before though, and getting my coat on etc. Honestly, if I had some work to do I'd show a much better work ethic, but it feels like they don't value us enough to even give us anything to do. Maybe they are just going to let our contracts run until the end of June and then just get rid of us. All the more reason to get my Prince 2 training.

I have decided that I am DEFINITELY going to go in that direction. I'm 21% way through my Prince 2 for Dummies book that I downloaded and I think I'm going to do a course in July. Plenty of time to get my head around the idea of it all. And if this quietness at work continues then I'll just keep using the time to read. Although it is hard to be motivated about anything when you are bored out of your mind.

Shit. Just lost a load of stuff that I wrote. Anyway, its 17:28. I'm going to post this. Here is a picture of me with my coat on ready to go. 

Wednesday

I feel like I have lost my blogging mojo slightly. Recently some people (family members and friends) found out about my blog and while I had never intended to use this blog as a way to bitch about people, I guess I'm a little wary of being judged for what I say. But what the hell! Its my blog and I can say what I want.

I'd just say that if you don't like what I write, just don't read my blog. As that cult kids TV show used to say, Why Don't You Just Switch Off Your Television Set Laptop and Go and Do Something Less Boring Instead?

The last week (its Wednesday) feels like its been going slowly but also has gone fast, if that makes sense, in a blur of being woken up early and being bounced on by kids until we get up, getting kids dressed, getting ready myself, driving to work, being at work (this bit goes slowly), driving home from work, picking the kids up (if husband not doing it), sorting kids out for bed (then putting one or other or both of them back to bed 250 times), evening activities (insert watching TV, doing exercises, putting clothes away or just plain going to bed exhausted) & repeat.

I've been starting to feel like I'm getting a cold. I went out to Wokingham today to go to a health food shop and buy a load of vitamins and oil things. Hoping starting to take these helps me feel a bit better. I have a feeling its just life. I really thought that doing this "detox" (or a variation on it) would make me start to feel a little healthier but if I'm honest, I have mild runs, I've been on a milk period for a week and a half (this came on in the middle of my pill packet), I'm feeling just as tired in the morning as I was before. And now I just can't have my coffee in the morning. Maybe I should just accept that, at this phase in my life (i.e. while the kids are little and I'm working in a far away/non-flexible full-time job), I am just going to be tired all the time. So if I need a couple of coffees during the day or a glass of wine in the evening, why shouldn't I! I'm torn. If all this healthy eating and not drinking IS making me somehow healthier then I don't want to start slipping into old habits. Its not so much the idea of ONE DRINK or ONE LATTE at the weekends, but that one, with me, seems to lead to one every day and then a couple every day. Until I need it to get by. I worry that I'm like my dad in that respect. I don't overdo it very often at all (the occasional night out) but I do find myself relying on things (food, wine, coffee) to "get me through" or make me feel better.

This blog post contains some gross stuff (so don't read if you're squeemish or don't like ladies parts or bowel movements mentioned)

We've just put the kids to bed. I'm in my jimjams, my slippers and my fluffy pink dressing gown. I ache. I have diarrhea from the change in diet (either that or just a mild stomach bug that's gone on for a week). I left work early to go to the doctors and on the way driving I got stomach cramps and bad back ache simultaneously and felt like I needed to go for a shit (excuse the language). I honestly wasn't sure that I wasn't going to make it to the doctors in time to use their loo. Thankfully I did and it wasn't pretty. But at least it wasn't in my trousers. That would have been embarrassing and awful. The reason I went to see the doctor is that I have a small cyst on my nipple which I'd had looked at before and was told it was just a cyst and was fine but it had got bigger. About the size of a silver ball of the kind you use to decorate cakes - maybe a little smaller, but it had been bothering me and I wanted rid of it. So the doctor got a needle/very small scalpel and burst it and got the puss or whatever its called out. It hurt quite a lot I have to say but it didn't last very long. She then gave me some tissue to put in my bra and told me to have a hot bath to get any last remaining puss out (not like I need telling twice to have a hot bath. lovely). Its a little sore and, probably due to the diarrhea I feel rather achy and very tired.

I also asked the doctor about my mood changes a few days before my period and she said that I could change my pill or maybe, for now, try taking my pill packs back to back. i.e: not have a break in between packs. This could help to keep my moods constant if indeed my drop in mood is related to my hormone levels. She's also given me some pills to take in the event of a panic attack like this one.

Detox Day 7 - General Ramblings

14:34 - Its getting a bit boring recounting what I eat everyday so I'm just going to summarize. Its pretty much the same as what I've been having the last few days. Had muesli when I got into work (15 minutes late - back to the flipping grind stone where traffic is concerned), some nuts to snack on, for lunch: salad - lettuce, cucumber, tomatos, spring onions, red onion, walnuts with chilli olive oil and balsamic vinegar to dress. Then some of my homemade oat cakes which I've just scoffed. I wasn't in early enough to pick up some free fruit (they have it free in bowls in our offices but I don't like the apples they have and usually by about 9.20am that is all that is left - all the bananas and grapes have gone). And I'm trying not to spend any money so haven't BOUGHT any fruit. I do have some homemade houmous and veggie dippers (cucumber & celery) to snack on a bit later but will try to wait until 3.30pm.

Over the weekend we had no problem sticking to the diet, although I have to say I did rather miss a nice glass of wine on Friday and/or Saturday night. But I know I'm feeling better for not having it. Having mentioned that I felt all bright eyed and bushy tailed on a few mornings (normally I am like a bear with a sore head), this morning I was back to feeling tired again. Although I think that was because I struggled to get to sleep last night. Hubby was, erm, pestering me but I held my ground and eventually he went to sleep and I stayed awake and alert like a rabbit out needing to check for predators. Which is funny...

I'm loving the new laptop. I ALMOST brought it to work with me so that I could play with it at lunch... but thought better of it. Besides I need to wait until the case and cover arrive for it.

I'm DEFINITELY having an early night tonight. I'm actually going to set my alarm on my phone so that it goes off at 9pm. I'll go have a bath and then be in bed by 10pm.

20:35. That plan to have an early night went out of the window as the kids are still messing around. I've put them back to bed about 3000 times and its getting very annoying. It just wears you down. When you do get down from ANOTHER trip up the stairs to put them into bed, all you can do is flop on the sofa. I'm not even sure I have the energy to write this. I still have to do a load of laundry sorting and folding before I go to bed and if I want to go to bed early still that means I can't have a bath as I tend to spend about 45 mins in there. Plus 10 to run it. I can't even have a cup of tea cos we have no tea bags. My lovely hubby has gone out to do a shop. Hence why its me doing all the running up and down stairs. Left Lala (the main culprit of tonight) to cry it out as fed up of her messing around.

If I had any energy or brain function left I would probably have started this blog talking about the weekend and what we got up to. Saturday wasn't anything special, but Sunday the kids went back to rugby tots and then in the afternoon we took the dogs for a walk in Frensham Pond.

Today was the first proper day back at work for most people which meant that traffic was awful. I dropped Lala at her childminders first - the one that's had the baby recently. I had put Lala in a very special dress which was actually mine when I was her age - proper vintage. I figured it was her first time meeting the baby and it deserved a special dress. I have a gorgeous photo of her actually HOLDING the baby which actually made me cry seeing it. I'm so proud!!! I didn't get to meet baby until the evening when I came to pick Lala up and honest to god, I couldn't put her down. I wanted to run off with her!!! She's so cute and diddy. I also got a picture of me holding the baby and Lala next to me posing with a smile. I have asked permission to put them up here. If she says yes, I'll add them. - addendum - I created a whole blog post as I felt it was warranted! (and I got permission) - Here it is: Meeting Baby Tilly.

Some pictures from the weekend:

Rugby Tots

More at Rugby Tots

Give me your iPhone, Mummy (not a frigging chance Larlee)

Nutter dog Tia

Joshua enjoying the "beach"

Kisses from girl

Kisses from boy. I am so blessed!

Tea and bed methinks.

Detox Day 5

18.04 - I'm glad I started my diet on the 1st of the month. Its so easy to remember what day of the diet it is. I was just about to start this post and was wondering to myself "what day are we on now?" and then I remembered that as its the 5th January, it must be day 5. Go me!

I'm lying in bed with some pillows behind me so I can lie back comfortably. I left hubby downstairs with the kids while they eat dinner. Lala only just woke up from a nap, did a massive poo (actually not THAT massive - she's a bit bunged up and tends to do smudge poos and then eventually after a lot of straining and crying, does a mahoosive mega-poo). I'm not convinced there isn't more to come, put it that way. But hubby can deal with that. I'm actually done for the night. He's been busy with a DIY project - putting a work surface in in the utility room - and while I am glad its getting done, its meant he's been able to (mainly) focus on a project (that isn't kid-related) and go back and forth from DIY shops - which I consider to be time-off from the kids (leaving me doing it all all day). He'd probably argue that he'd rather be doing something else. But its not like I'd let him go off windsurfing or golfing for the day so he'd only be here helping with the kids and housework so, yeah, I do consider it to be a break from the kids. Anyway, I'm sure some out there think: "she works full time and she's STILL complaining about the few hours at the weekend she has to spend looking after her own children". Yeah, I know. Terrible person. The thing is, I love spending time with them and doing fun things with them but this weather is 'orrible. We went out and about over the last few weeks over xmas and I figured they'd want a day at home, and a day at home sadly involves a lot of stroppiness, a lot of sibling bickering, the littlest is under the weather so, thankfully, went for a nap earlier, it involves TV that I'm not particularly interested in - although StarWars IS a step up from Mr Tumble I have to say! So while I love my children, I don't half look forward to 7pm or the time, like now, when I get to have a little bit of down-time.





Leaving the gap above to indicate that I just took a nice break and enjoyed the peace and quiet and lack of children around me. I might just doze off.

I suppose I'd better get on with this post. So, the diets been going well. I wasn't very well organised yesterday but still managed not to break my diet rules. Today I had my home-made muesli for breakfast, I have snacked on rye bread and houmous (some home-made, and some shop bought that needed using up). I made some oatcakes. They aren't as nice as the shop-bought ones I think. I reckon the shop bought ones use ground up oatcakes. And they probably add salt and sugar. But these will give me something to snack on to fill me up and not cost me anything (as the ingredients were already in the cupboard). For lunch, hubby made some curried cauliflower veggie thing with rice which was very nice. Apparently we're having nibbles for dinner. There is some coleslaw in the fridge so I'll probably have some of that.

I have had some bowel issues since yesterday. Sorry if this is TMI but lets just say things are a bit... er.... loose. I'm not sure if its a bug or if its just my body reacting to the change in diet.

I can hear a child crying downstairs. Its really very distracting. I sometimes wonder if hubby actually pays any attention to the children when he's "in charge"..... I must stop there cos I don't want to go in a "aren't men rubbish" type rant cos they really do have their uses and strong points... I mean, mine cooks and is bloody good at it. I SOOOO can't wait until their bedtime. All I can hear is Joshua crying and husband shouting at him telling him to shush. Is it just me that has the tendency to automatically assume, not that Joshua is being a little shit (like he is to me often), but that husband is just not handling things well enough. I remember those feelings much more when the kids were babies. Not so much now but it still rears its head now and again. I think "oh why can't you do it like this..." or "you should talk to him like that". I think its probably only natural as we as parents have different attitudes and values and ways of doing things. But it doesn't really help matters. Although having said that, I can hear husband banging things, which means he's still trying to finish DIY job instead of focusing on the children. With the little one ill and the older one... well, just being a shit, no wonder they are baying for his attention. I do wonder sometimes.... put down the hammer and look after your kids! Sorry hubs if you're reading this. I know, I shouldn't complain. I'm in bed with my new laptop relaxing (as much as you can relax with screaming, shouting and banging going on in the floor below). I love you lots and think you're a wonderful dad. There. Out of trouble. Tee hee.

23:11. Had intended to post this earlier but we had a friend come over and so I didn't get time (I thought I might write some more but now its too late and I'm too tired). So I will say farewell my friends, until... tomorrow probably as I appear to be a bit addicted to this blogging mallarcky. 

Detox Day 4 - I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!

10.00 ish - I am such a moron. I have been convinced that I was pregnant. I looked so bloated and couldn't see that the bulge that is my tummy could be just fat. I was sure somehow my pill had not worked and I'd got pregnant. Like I said in a previous post, a tiny little part of me likes the idea of one more - we would be forced to become much more family-centric. Maybe given no choice I would have to be a better SAHM than I have been on the few days I've had to do it. But the relief was huge when I saw the words "Not Pregnant" in that little digital screen of the pregnancy test. I just had to get one this morning because I had to know one way or the other. Now I know. I'm not pregnant, just fat. Hopefully this detox diet will see to that problem slowly.

13:13. Just had lunch with a very nice lady who works here. I will call her Sally. She does something that I want to do but is having some issues since the reshuffle. I don't want to go into too many details but I just wanted to say that I feel like I've met a kindred spirit. She reached out to me and was very nice when I had my melt down before Christmas and since then I have chatted with her occasionally in person and online. Today, since my two colleagues are out for a couple of hours over lunchtime I asked Sally if she wanted to have lunch with me. She shared some feelings that are similar to my own (of having little demons on each shoulder - a nice one and a nasty one - the nice one tells you that you are okay and you can do this and the nasty one that tells you you are rubbish and you might as well go home and give up) - ie a low self-esteem, a tendency to doubt oneself. It was really nice to chat to her. She had a little bit of a moment when tears came to her eyes and while I don't like to see anyone upset, it was (selfishly) nice for me to see that I'm not the only one that does that - that can't control my emotions at all times and will cry a bit in front of people.

14.47 I just re-read my birth story from my first child. I think I'm going to post it on here. It brought me to tears nearly. Which is inconvenient as I'm at work. but it was quiet tears and not quite. It was so traumatic but so worth it.

22:06. I have a laptop. Its GORGEOUS. And diddy. I love it. Watching telly on the sofa with hubster. At long last I can blog away to my hearts content without being stuck in my office.

Detox Diet Day 3 - new clothes, housework related hissyfit (another one) & new laptop coming tomorrow!

Eaten & drunk

Breakfast
- Muesli with goats milk

Morning snack
- Nuts & raisins

Lunch
- lentils
- stirfried veggies
- coleslaw

Afternoon snacks
- Apple - eat at 2pm*
- 2 oatcakes - at 2.30pm
- Banana - 3pm
- Nuts & raisins (2nd batch) 3.30pm
- 2 more oatcakes - 4pm
- plum thing / grapes - 4.30pm
- the last 2 oatcakes I can eat in car if needed



Dinner
- didn't feel like cooking so not really had dinner. Just had some carrot and houmous.

Drinks
- 2 cups of earl grey tea
- 3 bottles of water (500ml)

*its nearly 2pm and I am determined not to eat all my snacks by the time I had yesterday (1.30pm so I'm doing better than yesterday already) so have decided to plan when I'm going to eat each thing to make them last.

11.10am. I felt much better this morning when I woke up. The headache had gone and, once I actually dragged my lazy bones out of bed, I felt quite bright. I got in the shower (thanking myself profusely for being bothered to make the heating and hot water go on an hour earlier) and had a lovely steamy shower and washed my hair. I normally do it in the evenings as I don't bother blow drying it and usually I just put it up. But it really needed a wash. I was running a bit late but I wasn't going to stress this morning as the traffic is not back to its usual hell-hole standards and there aren't many people in to notice a few minutes lateness. So I took my time (as much as I could with the kids trying to help me with my makeup again) doing my makeup and my hair. I used red lipstick and am wearing my new work dress which is black at the bottom with a bar of orange and then red on the top with dark brown knee high boots. I feel good. I feel like I look good. It's a nice feeling. I feel a little slimmer. I was worrying last night about the fact that I looked pregnant. In truth I was worrying that I may actually BE pregnant. My stomach just looked odd. Not just fat. But it did look less so this morning so I can only assume it was just bloated. Maybe a shock to the system eating all that healthy food and drinking so much water. Now, while in theory I love the idea of a third baby (in the realm of fantasy where I'm a natural earth mother with 3000 tonnes of patience and my husband earns like a million a year - ok not that much but enough to pay all the bills AND still keep us in holidays and gadgets), in reality, I'm starting to like my life that I have now. OK, its not perfect. I could be doing something more interesting (but my plan is to actually start training so that I CAN go on and do something more interesting). We have a good income between us. The kids are fab. I'm actually at the point where I can pretty much rely on the fact that I'll get a reasonable amount of sleep - even if they wake up early or wake up in the middle of the night needing something they are usually easy to get back to sleep. Unless they are ill. But then illness throws out the best routines. Now I've actually found the willpower to do something about my eating habits, I can see in the future a slimmer me. A me that is happier in her body. The thought of giving all that up, giving up the money - I would have to give up work if a third baby came along as grandparents would DEFINITELY not look after 3 kids twice a week, and full time childcare for 3 kids is just prohibitively expensive. I would have to resign my body to being poked, prodded, used and abused, pulled and tweaked, sucked and scratched.... I'm not sure I could do that. I don't know how my sister in law has gone through it 4 times. I actually now have a lot of empathy for her relating to raising 4 kids.

2.05pm. Just took a photo of myself in the loo mirror! You'll have to excuse the work bathroom surroundings. Just wanted to share my dress. Also took pic of my boots.

Its nice to have nice clothes to choose from in the morning. I am thinking of making another small order off La Redoute for some vests and simple long sleeved tops (white and black to be worn under short sleeved dresses like this one). Came back to my desk, sat down, felt cold again so put jumper back on and got sharp pain in my head. Great. So headache is coming back. Its gone 2pm so Im going to have my apple.

2.51pm. I have gone through and labelled all my unlabelled blog posts. I know some people don't bother but I like to be organised. I like being able to at a glance, see all the posts I've done about, say, depression, or my family, or about me (I know that technically it being my blog its all kind of about me - my thoughts if not my own activities). There really isn't much to do. I've eaten my apple. Wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I've eaten my 2 oatcakes. Am looking forward to my banana at 3pm! I'm also on my 3rd bottle of water. Which is one better than yesterday. Yesterday I drank 2 here and then took one to the car with me (I think) which I didn't finish in the car. Only problem with drinking so much water is so many bloody trips to the loo!!!

3.24pm. I'm really looking forward to my nuts and raisins at 3.30pm. I'm glad I saved the best to last! lol. Only 6... no, 5 minutes to go.

10.30pm. I was going to go to bed early. But once kids were in bed it was nearly quarter to 8 and I decided to do half hour tidying. Did the spare bedroom - cleared all the wet clothes off the bed (no idea why my husband thinks dumping the wet clothes all over the spare bed is a good alternative to actually hanging them up... and if you don't have time to hang them up just leave them in the basket. Now the bedcovers are all damp and it looked a frigging mess! Anyway, I digress). I cleared the clothes off the bed and hung them up. Then made up the bed (a friend slept in it and messed it up from last time I made it all nice). And started folding up and laying (neatly) on the bed all the clothes that are clean that were on the floor or dumped in baskets. I put away my stuff. Put all hubby's stuff in one big pile - he can put them away himself - and left the kids stuff on the bed in neat piles - if we need anything before we have a chance to put them away in drawers at least its easy to find things. So at least I got one room relatively under control. I got myself into a bit of a grump because husband had gone out to the gym and left me to deal with paying the guy who had just turned up (hubby had forgotten about it) to sort out his car windshield. I also realised that the chickens were out whilst mopping the floor (it was just too disgusting to leave), which sent me into a bit of a rage to be honest. Why the bloody hell should he go out to the gym while I have to sort the house out and everything else. I texted him as much. To be fair he has sorted out quite a lot of other things today (not housework related, but some DIY, some phone calls and ordering things online) - he texted me back to tell me so. Anyway, we're friends again now. I'm just tired. I'm lacking in all the sugary good (I mean bad) things that my body is used to.

10.51pm. Its late. I'm tired. My eyes hurt. I feel better than I did last night (no headache) but need a good night's sleep. Friday tomorrow! Yay!!!

Ooooooh forgot to tell you. I'm getting a new laptop tomorrow. A macbook air. If you follow me on twitter you may know that I ordered a macbook pro a couple of months ago in a fit of shopaholicky depression but my husband made me cancel the order. Well, after lots of begging he finally agreed that I do in fact "need" a new laptop. I am getting the Macbook air because its small and light and really I don't need all the fancy bells and whistles as all I want it for is surfing the internet and blog posting. I'd like to be able to do that stuff from bed, for instance. I'm so looking forward to it arriving. Its coming tomorrow. I am going to spend all weekend stroking it!!! I'm a bit nutty for gadgetry, can you tell?

Detox Diet - Day 2 (aka headache central and pregnant looking stomach)

This is what I've eaten & drunk today

Breakfast:
    •    Muesli
Snacks:
    •    Grapes
    •    Banana
    •    Nuts
    •    Oatcakes
Lunch:
    •    Stirfried Vegetables
    •    Lentil thingy
    •    Coleslaw
Dinner:
    •    Sprouts with cashew nuts stirfried
    •    Boiled new potatoes
    •    Rice
Drinks:
    •    3 cups of weak Earl Grey (not finished any of them) during day
    •    Another 3 cups since I got home
    •    3 x 500ml bottle of water (aim is 4 bottles or 2 litres)

2.30pm. Feeling quite headachy. Not helped by the fact that I have had some childcare issues to sort out today and some potential headache-inducing row occuring on the horrizon. See I can't even spell or wirte properly today! My head feels fuzzy. My eyes hurt. This can't all be from lack of junk food and coffee? Can it?

2.54pm. All I can think is "I need a glass of wine". I know I wouldn't normally have a glass of wine at 3pm on a Wednesday afternoon at work but I can't have it. I can't have coffee. I am starting to realise that this wasn't going to be easy. I ache. Is it all psychosomatic? My boob is actually aching! My head hurts. God I sound like a moaner, don't I? Urgh. I will do this though. I am not giving up. Body, you and I need to have a little talk. You don't need this crap. Its just making you ill. Have a nice apple instead!! Urgh. Tried apple. Looked fine but had a funny taste. It was one that had been hanging around my kitchen for a while but looked ok. Guess not.

3.16pm. Taken some pills for my headache. Know I should have probably tried to cope without but I am not sure I could carry on. Not unless I was able to just go to bed and climb under the soft clean covers..... hmmmm drifting off now thinking of my bed - incidentally we changed (actually when I say "we" I mean "I") the sheets last night. They had just got to the point where another day and I'd not have been able to get out of them. I'd have been stuck in. Yuck. Why do I let them get this bad? I don't know. Laziness I guess.

4.24pm. I'm on my 3rd bottle of water. I should drink 1.5 to 2 litres per day so I need to drink 3 to 4 of these bottles that we have at work (500ml bottles). I will try to drink this one in the next half hour before I leave and then take a 4th with me to finish off during the evening. I've been to the loo about 8 times. Hopefully I'll start to feel smaller at some point.

9.47pm. I'm home. Obviously, as its nearly 10pm. I'm slightly worried as my stomach looks like I'm pregnant. I very much doubt I am. I had a period recently (sorry if anyone gets grossed out by the mention of that word - well, you never know, some people are funny about mentioning bodily functions...) and I'm on the pill and I haven't even been the tiniest bit lazy about forgetting to take it or even taking it late. But these things can happen can't they? You can have a period and then find out later that you're pregnant. I'm probably just a bit fat from all the food at Christmas. Being silly really.

Dinner tonight. I don't know how good you think it looks but it tasted yummy!

Anyway, dinner was very nice. I feel sodding awful. I've had a headache nearly all day. My eyes hurt and I'm SOOO tired. I'm going to bed now. I have decided very steadfastly (is that the right word? Oh well, I like it and I want to put it there) that I am not worrying about the state of the house tonight. Well, you can't conquer every battle in one day, can you? I'm doing a pretty HUGE thing giving up alcohol, coffee, meat, bread, and dairy. Oh and ciggies but I only ever smoke when I'm having a drink (and not all the time) so that's not such a big issue.

I can't think of anything else decent to say so am going to leave it at that. Goodnight lovely people. Oh and thank you so much for reading my blog. I don't know why anyone would want to but I love writing it! Feel free to comment. I love those comments. Actually, it makes my heart do a little jump when I get an email saying that I've got a comment. Is that sad?

N'night.

Detox Day 1 (of 28)

OK, so yesterday was lovely. Hubby and I went to Franky & Benny's for lunch after dropping the kids round my parents house and then we went to the cinema to watch the Hobbit. I loved it. Was really good. When we got back we both felt quite tired so had tea and then shared a bottle of fizz together and watched some TV and then near to midnight we watched the countdown and the fireworks (which seemed to go on for half an hour in themselves). Then went to bed. Erhem... .then went to sleep. After a bit. Cough cough. Well, no kids in the house, may as well I suppose! hehe.

This morning, as we hadn't drunk much at all we were hangover free. So we decided may as well start the detox today rather than leaving it till the 2nd which I would have done if I'd been hungover. So, we had a bit of a lie-in and then went to pick the kids up from my parents. After that, we went straight to the supermarket and spent about £80 on food. Mostly fruit & vegetables, nuts, oats, oat cakes, rice cakes, rye bread, extra virgin olive oil & some other nice oils for salad - walnut & also a small extra virgin flavoured with chillis. The hardest part, apart from trying to keep the kids entertained the whole way round, was to get past Starbucks on the way out. I actually said out loud as we were walking past "I do not need a Starbucks. I do not need a starbucks". lol.

On the way home hubby jumped out at the Indian shop (no idea what the politically correct name for that type of shop is). They sell spices and lentils and things by the massive bag load. There is also a kosher butchers attached. Is great for all the supplies you need to make curries. And particularly good for this detox as the supermarket had very small bags of things like chickpeas, at quite high prices... where as this place was super cheap for massive bags.

We got home and I started unloading it all into the hallway and cleaning madly. I refuse to start the new year living happily in a tip. Although I do want to be realistic. I am intending to take on a new area every day. To try to get it under control. Even if its only half an hour a day. When I got home, we had a mad tidy of the kitchen and swept and mopped the kitchen floor before hubby's sister and family came over. After they went I carried on. Cleaned out the bottom drawers of the fridge - where the veg and salad goes. Organised the new veg to go in there, using plastic containers so it all looked lovely and organised. There was so much stuff that I had to clean off another shelf to use that as an overflow for veg. We are going to be eating so much vegetable matter in the next week!!! I'm feeling tired just thinking about it. I haven't even figured out where we're going to put all the lentils and chickpeas!!! Oh and the nuts. Oh and I made up some muesli using oats and nuts. I had a little taste of it too. It was yummy!

So the kitchen is more or less under control - although we still need to finish putting stuff away. I will do that tonight once the kids are in bed. The fridge is getting there. Its not completely done as the top 3 shelves need cleaning down but I'll do that another day.

I should probably explain what diet I'm doing and why (in more detail than my previous post). I'm following the diet from Carol Vorderman's Detox for Life: The 28 Day Detox Diet and Beyond, which I downloaded on my kindle app on my iPhone. I had intended to cut out alcohol anyway, in January, but I figured why not just go the whole hog and cut out crap loads of stuff that's bad for me and see if I start to feel any better. This is the list of what to eat and what to avoid:

So far today I had (I won't split up into meals as I kind of haven't stopped nibbling all day):

• A bite of rye bread as we were leaving the supermarket (I hadn't had breakfast yet as we didn't have anything suitable this morning)
• Some grapes
• Some more rye bread (finished off the slice I had nibbled earlier and ate another one toasted)
• A small glass of fruit smoothie
• Some pistachio nuts (they were reduced in the Supermarket so we bought a load)
• Some home made coleslaw (without mayonaise) and about 4 new potatoes (this was kind of lunch)
• Small bowl of my muesli to check how it tasted
• Several cups of tea (now, I'm not giving up my Earl Grey tea as it does say that if you drink a lot of tea and coffee you shouldn't cut it all out immediately so I am giving up my lattes but not my earl grey). For now. I may try to give up in week 2. 

Here are some pics of my purchases:

Veg that wouldn't fit in the bottom 2 trays

Salad, and saladdy type food

Potatoes (we have a LOT), parsnips & carrots

Some juice we already had for kids but I got tom juice for Lala's constipation & goats milk and smoothie for me

Nuts & seeds

Homemade coleslaw

Oils

Muesli

How I'm feeling at (nearly) the end of day 1

• A little tired
• A little headachy
• Slight tummy ache - not sure if its cos I've eaten too much or not enough (must get more in tuned with my body!!!)
• Dehydrated (forgot to drink water. supposed to be drinking about 8 glasses a day)
• Cold - heating been on all day but still feel cold. Whacked heating on permanent for the evening and going to have a nice steaming bath (hopefully if the boiler plays the game)

What I need to do once guest has gone (inpromtu visitor & his 4 year old daughter - happy with visit though as not seen in ages)

• Hit dog for barking when I'm trying to write blog post (after putting girl to bed)
• Hit husband for not shutting dog up (too busy chatting)
• Put rest of food away and clean down surfaces again
• Sort out lunch & breakfast for tomorrow & snacks

Posting now but may add more later if have time - and tick things off as I do them.

19:15 - have since had 2 glasses of water and 3 oatcakes. I also feel cold. Will add that to list above

New Year Resolution - intro

Really quick one as we are going out in a minute. Once I've checked my work emails. The kids are with the Grandparents and I have on my new clothes. Mostly fitted me (ordered from La Redoute).  Will have to send back a bra and possibly a dress but its just around the hips it won't fit me and I intend to be smaller around the hips very soon.

After 2nd January (possibly 1st January depending on hangover...) I will be following Carol Vorderman's detox diet. This will mean giving up:

• Alcohol (I had intended on going a month without booze in January anyway so that's good)
• Caffeine (no tea or coffee - this is going to be hard as I LOVE my lattes and my earl grey)
• I haven't finished reading the book yet but I think it involves no wheat, no dairy, not sure about red meat. Assume not. Maybe no meat at all. 

I will do another blog post when I know exactly what the plan is, but for now I'm going to go out to lunch with hubby (late lunch) and then to the cinema and gorge myself with food and wine. Taxi back.

See y'all later. 

My weight

Just a quick one as I'm going to bed as soon as I've written this (once I've taken my contact lenses out and brushed my teeth and been to the loo and taken my pills - one anti-depressant, one contraceptive - don't you ever just feel like life is one long slog. Even just going to bed.... anyway I digress).

I've been thinking about my weight tonight. Most of the time I can fool myself into feeling okay about myself. I do not completely pig out but I do sometimes use food as comfort when I'm feeling tired, down, stressed. I am not massive. I'm about a size 16. But my aim is to be a 12. I was that not so long ago. I went on Weight Watchers after having my daughter and lost nearly 3 stone. I found it so easy then. I was on a mission. But some time in this last year I just lost it. Generally I'm okay wiht myself but its times like tonight when I try on a dress that is a little too tight or look at my thighs when I have no clothes on and realise they are bigger than they used to be. Suddenly that chunk of cheese of slice of cake doesn't feel so appealing. Sadly the feeling fat moments are usually in the evening AFTER whatever indulgence I've given into during the day.

Tonight as well as my dinner which my husband prepared (steamed garlicky chicken and steamed vegetables - it was yummy but we didn't eat until gone 9 as he went to the gym so I was a bit hungry).... I had some toast when I got home, a couple of slices of cheddar, two of the kids chocolate chip cookies. I had soup for lunch with a bread roll with butter (which wasn't so bad) and later I had a bag of salted popcorn (3 WW points if I had been counting which I wasn't) and then I did go for the healthier option of a yoghurt bar over a slice of cake!

I feel out of control. I hate feeling fat. My dress I'm wearing on wednesday night for the Christmas party is a bit tight and though it will still be very flattering I'll probably feel self-conscious! I must get a grip on myself. Get some exercise and track properly. Am going back to my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow night. Will sign back up for a monthly pass and go to the meetings regularly in the hope that it will somehow inspire me to keep going.

Part of me just wants to give in for Xmas and eat what I want. There are so many lunches and evenings where its going to be really hard to be good. So what's the point????

I don't know. Maybe you do.

comment added on 3rd Jan - adding the Detox diet label to this post as it details how I was feeling BEFORE starting my detox diet.