Things could be looking up

Things might be looking up. I felt so depressed this morning sending Lala off when she was clearly feeling poorly and wanting to stay home with mummy. She's only 2 and I feel awful not being able to spend time with her. I've been THIS close to quitting....

Talk of the devil. Lala just woke up crying. Actually not sure she woke up at all. She's very hot. Feel so sorry for her. 

Where was I? Oh yes, THIS close to just chucking it all in. Its not that I dislike my job or anything. In fact, when its busy, like it was today, I quite like it. It looks like its going to get a whole lot busier which is a really good thing.

Anyway, I was feeling really down about it and honestly felt like I was going to have a really shit day. I was tired and my eyes hurt as we had quite a stressful evening last night - with a bit of a row between us and I went to be feeling upset and down. So this morning I was bleary eyed and felt like I had a hangover when actually I only had a glass and a half of wine.

As I was driving into work, the idea popped into my head that maybe it was possible to work the same number of hours (so I wouldn't be requesting to cut my hours) but to do them over a shorter week. So do just 4 days a week but longer days. Someone I worked with in my previous company said she did that and I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. Well, I guess up until now I was pretty much trying to convince myself that I could make full time work. But now I feel like if something doesn't give I'm going to crash. I need a bit of down time. Time with the kids. Time to catch up on washing, bake with the kids, play with playdough, or just generally have a day off watching Peppa Pig with the kids. Plus, playdates. Imagine being able to do them again. I miss those mummy natters, bitching about things our other halves do (sorry other halves).

I had it so good before. Working 5 minutes away. Working 3 days per week.... I could have tried harder to get another job where I was. Then again, I was miserable. I'd never been happy there. In many ways I am glad I left (got made redundant). I got to have a really nice summer at home with the kids before starting this job in an IT company (had always wanted to work for an IT company) and at least now I have a chance to work towards something, not just sit in a job that isn't going to go anywhere.

So, once I got into work, after mulling over this idea, I pinged the HR lady (who is lovely by the way) and asked if she had time later. I was still a bit upset. She said that she had time later at around 3pm. However I really wanted to get this off my chest now so I went up to where she sits and asked if she'd mind going to get a coffee with me. So we sat down in the coffee bar area and I told her about how I was feeling (like missing out so much on the kids and the guilt etc) and told her my idea for making it a bit better. She said she is going to go discuss it with her colleagues and then her boss (on monday) and get together a list of ideas (of what other people do) so that we can present it to my boss as a proposal. I really hope she goes for it. I'm not trying to be difficult or get out of any work or let anyone down and I really hope she doesn't see it like that. I just want to be a good mum as well as a good employee.

I'm so glad its friday tomorrow. I'm in bed now. Hoping I feel less shattered tomorrow. Ben was very good this evening. He'd done loads of housework and when I got home he took Lala off for a bath (after I'd cuddled on the sofa with her for a bit) and then bathed JOshua and put them to bed and I chilled out on the sofa. I then made us both a salad for dinner and brought it up to him as he's spending the evening studying and now I think its time to sleep. Love you all xxx