Today

Very quick one as I'm very tired and my eyes are all puffy from crying.

The weekend's successful lunch made me think a lot about what I wanted to do and I guess no matter how fancy the office I am working in or the fact that because of all the driving I do I get to buy myself a new car - none of it really takes away from the fact that, deep down, its not what I want to do.

The problem is I don't really KNOW what I want to do. For now this will have to do.

But I got myself all worked up today. It probably didn't help that we probably won't be able to buy our house that we had our hearts set on. I didn't think I was that bothered but then after about lunch I just felt so low and then when I started crying I couldn't stop. And that made me paranoid that people would look at me and see me upset and then I got more upset over the thought of that.

I left early to work from home but then had so many issues with the connectivity and the fact that my laptop is a PIECE OF SHIT that I didn't get much work done even though I found that being at home made me calmer. No-one to judge me (although to be fair I'm probably the worst cuprit at that).

I requested that I take tomorrow off as holiday. I got an email back from my new boss saying OK but in future that kind of notice is not acceptable. I went to have a bath. I felt a bit better after that, and I knew that I would worry all day if I was at home so I emailed my boss and copied my two colleagues to say that I would be in afterall. Hubs is going to deal with the kids. I'm going to just get myself sorted and leave early. I need to get some sense of calm.

I am so grateful to @mummylovesdressup on Twitter (her blog is here) for all her chat tonight about clothes.

One of my issues is that I am lazy in the mornings. I feel tired most mornings. I'm a terrible morning person so a lot of the time I just throw something on. And right now as I can't seem to stop comfort eating those clothes are not particularly attractive as comfort takes priority over style (this is not really an issue in the office as the dress code in my area in particular is quite casual) but its affecting me. I feel a mess. I feel unattractive and fat. I need a boost. I need to buy some new clothes that make me feel good.

Gonna stop now as am really shattered and my eyes hurt. Good night all. xxx